The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
