I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Everclear isn't food dammit
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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