38 yer olds are good kisserssss
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I touched a dick in church today
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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