Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
