I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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