I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
