Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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