dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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