I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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