dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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