I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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