Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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