have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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