i just made my gag reflex go away.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
