Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
