if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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