I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
