I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
