Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
