whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
