Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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