There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
