i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
