my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
