Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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