The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
