I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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