Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
