I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
It's shark week go big or go home
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
