I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
