I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
