I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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