8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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