Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
even my farts smell like vagina
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
