He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize