If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
