I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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