i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
