I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
