Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
