the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
