There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
