In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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