I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Randomize
