she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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