There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
