sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
