I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
