I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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