I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
