Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just want nice things and good sex
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
