Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
