I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
