I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
