Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Randomize
