feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
